Quote:
Originally Posted by Richard Boinkwell
Wow your soul-baring makes me somewhat ashamed of my earlier criticisms. I myself have not had the same desire to befriend any of these women. If you crave female society so much why don't you try for a relationship that does not start on the lowest level? (I think you may respond that is why you are interested in this "really hot non-pro" who gives you massages--but isn't that still where you really want to go ASAP?)
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I think this is where it gets complicated. I don't mean from an outside point of view, but from the point of view of my ongoing life experience. I hope I don't make this too long, I think it's difficult to explain maybe because it's not a common experience for most.
I have never been the one any woman would choose. Never is a strong word, there have been a couple of times I feel like a female on this planet has decided for at least a brief moment of her existence that I am worth being with even when she could have other choices. None of those moments lasted very long, the longest was about 2 weeks and that was almost 15 years ago and we never had sex and it was that lack of sex due to distance which I believe fizzled it. Another was 3 days but was in a foreign country. Another when I was 16 and had way worse self esteem then I do now and I couldn't handle someone giving a shit about me. That's it. Beyond those times I have never been the choice of any woman.
I think most men's life experience is that they are able to regularly feel wanted by some portion of women. I've learned over the years that a lot of mongers do this purely because of a sexual appetite and a desire for uncomplicated variety. For myself I do it because it fills a void.
I have been able to maintain some friendships with women, but ironically the only women I have had any long-lasting friendships from are 2 types - SO's of my male friends and women who at some point in the past I've paid to have sex with. In either case I feel like these women are put into a position in which they have to stay in the room with me. In all cases whenever I'm around women I think most find any excuse to get away from me. Some don't outright behave that way but it may be because when I first meet people I tend to have some kind of charming vibe (I've needed to learn that for emotional survival) but that takes energy and soon fades to who I basically am. I'm not a bad guy but can be dick-ish and rude as a self-defense mechanism. I lean toward the boring intellectual side. I beat on myself in my thoughts. I tend toward depressive thoughts. Not because I want to but the years of conditioning of having no other thought process when I was young. So of course it is a difficult thing to get past and a difficult thing to hide from women. I seem to get along better with guys who accept me more readily for who I am but because I'm usually the loner who is not appealing to the ladies, this is picked up on and I'm the friend who they watch movies or have a bite to eat with, not the friend to hang out where women congregate like the beach, bars, parties. I'm the downer guy. I don't want to be, I just can't escape it.
As to the lower level, I have a life full of experiences where trying to build a relationship with a woman without the sort of romantic chemistry that's needed always just leads nowhere. Women decide very quickly they don't want to be around me. They determine a use for me, whatever it is, and that is where they keep me. I'm not attractive enough to win them over without effort and when I put effort in they react in ways that I can easily read into that they feel they're being chased by someone they're not interested in, a lack of interest becomes avoidance and it's even worse than not even trying. My life full of rejections has yet to change.
I think this might help to explain what I seek out in this monger world. I am not literally looking for sex, not looking for just an orgasm. That's part of it but if that were the only thing then it would be easy. With money, it's easy to trip over sex at any time. But without money, trying to find a willing partner for me has been quite pathetic. I may set the bar too high as well which may blind me to options in the same way women are blind to me. It's not the abstract notion of finding the "virgin" to get to do dirty things, it's a way to get as close as possible to the feeling that at least on some scale I can find a woman who is as close as possible to a regular woman who isn't simply selling her body, get her in my presence for as little actual money as possible so I can feel like she is at least willing to be there without much pay for play, and then use whatever life has taught me to this point to take it as far as I can. Repeating this for some unexplainable reason keeps me sane and able to function in life but at the same time it burns my money and my time and stunts me from getting what I really want even though if I freed myself of this I have not seen very much in life to show that I could get what I really want.
August 27th, 2015
