[ichi the killer]

I spend time nowadays contemplating my own death. I think about many people I have known who died and I know sooner than I know it will be my turn.

Some people believe in a God, Allah or who ever.
I tried to believe there is a God above and I will be rewarded "or punished" in an afterlife. If I could believe that then things would be so much simpler. The alternative is much scarier. Too bad part for me I just can't accept Christianity. I tried. Deep in my mind I doubt. No faith.

Many people, Steven Hawking among them believe that we humans, same as animals are just energy making machines [heart lungs intestines cells, Krebs cycle adenotriphosphate aerobic cellular respiration] to provide energy to a computer [our brain]. Our brain is hard wired with certain instincts to keep the species alive procreation [fucking, having babies, eating finding food water, seek shelter etc.}

These people, this includes a few doctors I work with who believe this say we continue to live until one day our energy machine [body] cannot provide energy to our computer [brain] At this time our brains shuts down like a computer that has lost its source of energy. No afterlife. Just dreamless sleep forever.

When I was young this did not bother me. I did not give a shit if I lived or I died. Now I can invoke great anxiety in myself by thinking of people I have known and even dogs I have owned that died in my life. Usually this happens when I am trying to sleep and I start tripping through the past darkly.

Which leads to the title of this little thing I wrote: The Meaning of Life. For me it seems like everything I did in my adult life was for sex. Almost every important decicion anyway. I was just trying to secure a steady supply of sex. Why do I keep on struggling with life [go to work pay bills etc. etc.] If I do not struggle I will starve to death. So I struggle.

I found it: The meaning of my life. Fucking Asian ladies and fear of death. That is it. Amen.