The meaning of life.
 

I spend time nowadays contemplating my own death. I think about many people I have known who died and I know sooner than I know it will be my turn.

Some people believe in a God, Allah or who ever.
I tried to believe there is a God above and I will be rewarded "or punished" in an afterlife. If I could believe that then things would be so much simpler. The alternative is much scarier. Too bad part for me I just can't accept Christianity. I tried. Deep in my mind I doubt. No faith.

Many people, Steven Hawking among them believe that we humans, same as animals are just energy making machines [heart lungs intestines cells, Krebs cycle adenotriphosphate aerobic cellular respiration] to provide energy to a computer [our brain]. Our brain is hard wired with certain instincts to keep the species alive procreation [fucking, having babies, eating finding food water, seek shelter etc.}

These people, this includes a few doctors I work with who believe this say we continue to live until one day our energy machine [body] cannot provide energy to our computer [brain] At this time our brains shuts down like a computer that has lost its source of energy. No afterlife. Just dreamless sleep forever.

When I was young this did not bother me. I did not give a shit if I lived or I died. Now I can invoke great anxiety in myself by thinking of people I have known and even dogs I have owned that died in my life. Usually this happens when I am trying to sleep and I start tripping through the past darkly.

Which leads to the title of this little thing I wrote: The Meaning of Life. For me it seems like everything I did in my adult life was for sex. Almost every important decicion anyway. I was just trying to secure a steady supply of sex. Why do I keep on struggling with life [go to work pay bills etc. etc.] If I do not struggle I will starve to death. So I struggle.

I found it: The meaning of my life. Fucking Asian ladies and fear of death. That is it. Amen. :)

The meaning of life is simple... The more you give the more you get out of it. I mean if you really give love you get love, give happiness (make other people happy) you get happiness in return. This holds true with everything in life except money or monetary things...you can give all your money away and get shit in return unless giving money away to help others makes you feel good or makes you happy but it won't return more money.

I don't really believe there is a heaven to speak of but fucking Asian ladies (and butt fucking Asian ladies for that matter) is pretty close to heaven here on earth! So does that mean Asia is heaven? OK I change my beliefs...There is a heaven...It's ASIA! Hallelujah!! I have seen the light

I act like that to Kid. I do acts of kindness and maybe I will be treated the same [karma] I am not sure there is karma unless I count, as you said, that I feel good myself doing the kind act for someone or something and that is the reward. Feeling good about myself. Like my little facebook friends over in the Philippines. Maybe they think I am such a standup guy. A real saint. Then again maybe they just think I am a rich American lonely heart sucker. Most people tend to believe the latter. I don't know. Maybe it is all the roids and growth hormone I am on that make me think of these things. Maybe it is a biological clock type thing "get ready sucker, you are getting old for real, you time is coming for real." I never had this feeling in my teens twenties thirties, maybe it started a little in forties. Now I am fifty and I think of this stuff some times.

I see many people die at work. I go to the emergency room when they call a trauma. I go there to assess what is going on and whether I think the victim is a surgical candidate so I watch the action to see if the trauma surgeon can keep this person alive long enough to bring him to the operating room. I sit there impassively and watch the drama unfold. That is part of my job. I have to see if the person is a surgical candidate. If they die in the emergency room then obviously no surgery for that person. I see people die and it does not look like any big deal from where I stand.

Same thing in surgery, sometimes we can't save the people. They die. I see the whole thing. We do what we do to intervene but sometimes you just can't save them. Again it does not seem like that big of a deal. The dying person usually does not seem that upset about it when it gets to be that time. They just "go"

I used to play suicide games on my Suzuki 1000 superbike when I was young 20's. I was aware that I could get killed easy doing that stuff. I used to ride it over 100 miles an hour on the freeway while drunk and high. i really did not care. I had no fear of death. Now i have to admit on some level I am afraid to die. That is a new thing for me. i never felt like that before in my life. I don't know why the change. Maybe biology?

Maybe now the fear of dying stems from having people that rely on you. What would they do without you? I was the same way...never gave a shit if I lived or died. Kinda still don't however, I'm sure if I was put int the situation where I was about to die I would fight like hell to live...if that makes sense. Now that I have people that are counting on me it is different. Now I am loaded up with life insurance just in case....LOL

Hopefully in heaven, our asian lady friends won't say. That's 20 dolla more for that honey!

When you have something to live for that is when you fear death.

As MPkid said as we get older we have loved ones to look after so that changes things, when we are young we only think of ourselves. Death is easier to deal with when it only affects you, letting down those you love is another thing.

You're only thinking about it because you are a good person Ichi, if you were a selfish fuck you wouldn't care.

Thanks Yag. Yeah you’re right. I am concerned about others in my life now where as when I was young even though there were others in my life they did not depend on me. So I did not worry about them. In late September I had that motorcycle accident on the i5 freeway. I was tired and kind of slow to react. Sleep deprived and irritated as hell that people “lookielue's” where slowing to look at an accident at the side of the road {dinted cars and highway patrol cruisers with their light flashing. Big deal.} I was cruising along about maybe 30 mph, i glanced at my watch quick and when I looked up those idiots had stopped about 60 feet in front of me. Here is where things got kind or weird and dramatic.

I locked up my back wheel and braked hard on the front on my Harley Roadking. My bike was skidding and fishtail a little. I did a quick estimate and by my judgment i was going to hit the back of the car. I had a choice to make: Hit it upright or lay the bike down and hit the car that way. No way I wanted to hit upright. I thought too great a possibility I would get badly injured. So I angled the bike with the front wheel going to the right and skidded in sideways [lay the bike down]

As I was skidding many thought went through my head. I thought “I could really get hurt in this accident. Let’s see how this is going to play out. I felt a little embarrassed because there were about 10 people standing at the side of the road [the other accident] and they were looking straight at me. Not too mention the traffic which was watching me to see if I shed any blood for their morning edification [blood lust]

I thought about Choi, her sister and my dogs. If I get hurt how would they survive? I even thought of my 2 facebook Philippine gf's. Who would take care of Chang and Paula? They seem to depend on me. Luckily i did not get too badly hurt. I had a huge bruise on my right hip/kidney area and it tore the toe off my shoe. ripped off my big toe toenail. When i first saw it I thought I had de-gloved my big toe and that was the bone sticking out. "Shit, I need a surgery. They are going to have to amputate my toe." I washed it off at the hospital and saw it was just road rash and my toe nail got ripped off.

I was bleeding internal from hitting my renal area on the pavement so hard
My side got hard and I got thirsty. Later my back both sides of my ass and even the front turned very black and blue. My balls and cock filled up with blood. My balls turned black and swelled up like avocados. But I got up and walked away from that accident. Anytime you can get up and walk you are probably ok.

I remember I was worried more about other people than myself. I mean i was hoping I could get through the accident with getting too badly injured.

it has been 2 months and my bike is still in the shop. that was a wicked accident. I was lucky on that one.

Wow Ichi, an accident like that would really get you thinking!

Glad your OK Brotha!

Stay safe, and off those bikes, man. We need ya.

I too am in my 50's. But more than fearing death,,,I fear growing old alone. I'm an only child,,,never found the right woman, to busy chasing the wrong women and working crappy hours,,and no kids either. Add that all together, and I'm in my early 50's and single.
Now married guys might think that's great, but one thing I have learned in life is, you wish for what you don't have. So they may wish to be single with no kids and I wish I had the opposite.
As far as religion, I was religious in my younger years. I stopped going to church, but still believed in a god. But in my adult life, that started to change when a very good friend of mine, had his son pass away the summer before he was to start 6th grade. Like me, my friend is an only child and he and his wife only had the one. At their age, having another wasn't an option really.
In order to not offend anyone on here that is religious, I am going to stop here and not get into my feelings on God. But I will say,,,having that happen to my good friend started changing my views on a God. Plus,,,I have kind of strayed from your topic a bit.